Weathered Heart, Fatigued Eyes... Damn My Soul Is Tired

i dont have much to to get this out, but how long does it take to say you're emotionally weakened. I realize that i've been half assing my endeavors and relationship... Where is my motivation?? I am so caught between lazy and unmotivated.... I put up with so much that i'm beginning to lose my way of my own things. I think i need a balance of focus and freedom. Lately i've just focused on the easy. Ah well we'll see.

Maybe i'll put more of a commitment to the things i need instead of things i want... Off to a cricket game im trying to get this weathered heart polished.

On The Road Again *Donkey (frm shrek) Voice*

Soooooo..... Its been some time, but I'm back. The Joy!

 So I'm on the move not physically just emotionally and mentally!  So this week marks the beginning my 6 month process of getting my life together!  Lately i have been very  lazy in the preparation  of my future.  I now believe it is times to start making moves instead of talking of them.  I have some many goals that will not happen if I'm not productive to them. Procrastination and i are the closet of friends and I'm starting to think that this friendship isn't as beneficial as i'd like it to be.  I will be 20 soon(... yes september is soon) and i definitely think it is time for me to take some young women steps instead of being a big girl.  I sometimes wonder why being a big girl is so much more easier than being the young women all women aspire to be.  I kinda knew I was a big girl, but i think I'm ready now to cross over to the other side of young adult hood!  

Hmmmm i guess it's like that movie Baby Geniuses. Where the babies knew pretty much everything and it was up to them to utilize it and actually grow up, even though the new the highs and lows. In fact i really like that movie.  I'm there. I am at the stage where i feel as if everything i know I should be utilizing!  What is the point of having all this information and resources if  i still have nothing to show for it. i mean damn even the encyclopedias cost money!  I'm ready to crossover to adult hood!

Ok the self-deficient rant is over. These are some of my goals.

1. Get Health Care yes i know the fact that i haven't had it for a year is due to me procrastinating! But i mean its about time, recently being crazy sick has convinced me more than ever to get it together Health Care wise.
2. Get Income now yes that may mean get a job. Yes Yes a job, a real one.  Now that i want to take young adult steps a job may be in order, this job maybe freelancing workshops, but hey a real job is a real job!  
   

No i have not forgot about my brothel in Nevada until i am established i'll just survive off of my freelance workshop and Management as i'd like to call it as long as i reside in NY!

So for now those are my 2 goals with hopes they can be completed within 2 months.  There are more goals on the list.  I just don't want  to overwhelm myself. Opps!! there goes a form of PROCRASTINATION! Wish me luck as i try to overcome self induced  obstacles

The Rivilary Escalades.

Once Again I Am Annoyed!

Siblings vs. Besties.

Lately, more like the last 6 weekes and 5 days i have been highly annoyed,angry whatever you'd like to use to describe my unhappy emotions. I am beginning to think that what i once called family isnt quite true. All families have their down falls, but i think that my brother and i arent the fruit of the same womb or the even the product of the same adoptive single parent home. He and i are on 2 differrent statistic wavelinks. I dont understad how can some one you've known your whole life doesnt understand,respect or apprecite you. Maybe its the 5yr age gap, because he and i are never on the same page. But on the other hand eldest brother who is 13yrs my senior always seem to be on the same frequency.

Now here is where the rivary begins between my brother vs. my bestie(it actually doesnt matter which.)

My brother is

• Irrational
• Paranoid
• Inconsiderate
• Ignorant
• Resentful
• Judgemental

Now the problem with him is this is his normal personality to everyone. He lacks tact and acceptance. The problem with this in our family is his hardships he believes are others fault. Everyone owes him someting for the way his life has turned out. No mistakes are his own, they are faults of those who took action in the whole chain of events called life.

Now i know none of my besties are saints, i wouldnt be under that delusion. But i know that within the 5 years of friendship that my friends arent as judgemental or disrecpectful. Yes they can be annoying and worrisome, but for a couple of chicks i was randomly matched up with through an ex the are better than the man i known my whole life. Now whats weird is they are girls. Now everyone knows you can put a bunch of high strung, beautiful black wmen in the same room with out majr conflict, yet it was succesful.

The rivilary between my brother and i is so one sided. Someone once told me children from broken homes suffer a worse variation of sibling derived syndromes. And i guess he is the statistic of that. Though my brothers and i all suffer from some sibling enabled syndrome i believe his is worse off. See i am the baby and the only girl, according to a doctor somewhere out there i suffer from only child placement syndrome. Which means over all i act and behave as the only child due to me being the youngest and only girl. See anyone can read some stuff! As for my eldest brother he suffers from the same only on the basis that he is the oldest with his own life. As for my annoyence he suffers from middle sibling syndrome. Hence the reason he is jealous and consistantly feels he is entitled to help and devotion. I guess thats way he is the way he is.

What is weirder is my Mochas and i are cut from the same clothe just slightly different sticthing.

So I Have Been Convinced! SMH

So a year later i have decided to blog! Thanks to the wonderful besties www.cherubindisguise.com and www.crushedblue.blogspot.com. Yes that was a little promotion but ah well. You can stand alittle extra reading.

Now that i am convinced. i will do it right and go through the whole process.

I am Slim (not no J.lo surviving domestic violence), but slim cuz I'm skinny and dudes on the block thought slim was appropriate. So thanks and shout out to all the elder dudes who ever tried to bag in bed-stuy. Ok back to the names aka Bloo and sadly enough I'm aka Cha~Cha and Mochi.

So i have decided to blog due to the fact i have so much to say and so little t-mobile minutes to tell those who are interested. Also because i have an anger issue and maybe this will help cuz i know damn well anger management doesn't. So if someone ever lied to you and told you it does, by now you should know its a lie.

Why the wind pusher? I decided on wind pusher because i try to be the wind. You know how the wind pushes things along, hint the whole idea of telling others to move the hell on. So I'm the wind pusher sort of like a drug dealer but I'm to pretty for jail. Though i should look into it i do need a source of income. (strokes chin in contemplation)

So look out i may be steeping my game up and posting more. hope to keep you interested. Now I'm workin on moving the hell on!